


Giant Vegetables of Doom

by antonomasia09



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 04:08:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antonomasia09/pseuds/antonomasia09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rory nearly gets killed by a carnivorous alien fern, and the Doctor is extremely unhelpful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Giant Vegetables of Doom

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this in February 2011.

"Doctor, why's there a giant fern coming down the hallway destroying everything in its path?" Rory whispered into his mobile, ducking behind a statue of a turnip.

"Oh, don't worry," answered the Doctor. "It's supposed to be doing that."

"Why?"

"Well, the natives let it out once a year to satisfy its desire for a murderous rampage." At Rory's disbelieving silence, the Doctor reassured him, "It hardly ever does any lasting damage."

"And you just happened to pick the day that they let it out of its cage?" Rory hissed angrily.

"I didn't do it on purpose," the Doctor exclaimed, defensive.

Rory sighed. Of course he didn't. It wasn't as if the man actually had any meaningful control over his ship. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm on the other side of the city."

"So there's no chance you'll be able to get here in the nick of time and save me then?" he inquired hopefully. With the Doctor, you never knew.

"Sorry."

His hope instantly fizzled away. "Typical," Rory muttered. He took a deep breath. "Okay. Tell me what to do."

"Is there anywhere for you to hide?"

Rory shook his head. "I'm in a hallway. All the doors are locked. I'm hiding behind a statue of a large turnip right now, but I don't think it's going to be very much protection in a couple of seconds."

"Right," said the Doctor. "First, you'll need something to distract it. You wouldn't happen to have a very powerful blue light with you?"

"No."

"Or a sonic pulse generator?"

"Doctor!"

"Just a thought," the Doctor replied distractedly. "Erm, you said you were hiding behind a turnip?"

"Yes," answered Rory.

"Oh, but that's brilliant!"

"Why?" asked Rory, frantically trying to curl into as tight a ball as he possibly could to avoid any limbs peeking out from behind the vegetable-shaped statue. Not that he could even be sure that the fern could actually see- maybe it was sensing the water in his body, or something terrifying like that. Either way, it certainly seemed to be galumphing ferociously in a general Rory-wards direction without any signs of slowing.

"The Hieraavi worship plants." The Doctor's voice snapped Rory's focus back to his iminent demise. "They have incredibly complex mythological lore about their world's creation, which involves various vegetables committing genocide against one another. According to their story, the fern's archrival is the turnip."

"That's fascinating, Doctor," Rory whispered furiously, not even caring when his voice cracked. "But WHAT DO I DO?"

"Hit the fern with the turnip."

Rory blinked, not believing what he'd just heard. " _What_?"

"Trust me."

"Fine," Rory consented grudgingly. He groaned, straining to lift the heavy stone carving off the ground, and let out a roar of victory as he used his whole body to swing the statue at the giant plant.

The fern stopped. It looked as angry as it was possible for a fern to look.

Rory raised a hand in apology, then looked again at the enraged plant and thought better of it. He stumbled backwards a step, terrified. "Doctor, I don't think that helped."

"Oh, didn't I mention?" the Doctor asked far too cheerfully. "You've just declared war on it."

Rory took the mobile away from his ear and stared at it in disbelief for a moment. Resolving that he was going to do serious bodily harm to the Doctor if he made it out of this alive, he recovered enough to ask, "And how exactly is that a _good_ thing?"

"Now it has to deal with you in the ritual manner."

"Which is?"

"…It's going to try to eat you," the Doctor admitted. "Let it."

"What?" shouted Rory, tripping over a chunk of the smashed turnip statue. He let out a cry of pain as he tried to break his fall with one hand, but continued to scrabble backwards, desperately trying to get out of the fern's way.

"Rory?" questioned the Doctor worriedly.

"I'm okay. But how is this even remotely a good idea?"

"If you're indigestible, it'll spit you back out, and then you'll get a chance to eat it."

"And if I'm not?"

"Erm," said the Doctor.

"I can't believe this," muttered Rory, but he stopped trying to slither backwards and got to his feet.

He turned his head away and closed his eyes as the giant fern approached him. He half expected to feel hot, stinking breath wash over him, but it actually smelled rather nice and fresh. Shaking, he held his ground as the roots slithered over him, but couldn't help letting out a whimper as a leaf curled around his left hand and violently sucked it down into the belly of the plant. Well, whatever the equivalent of a belly was in a carniverous alien fern.

Rory held his breath as he waited for the rest of him to be dragged inside as well. But it didn't happen. Instead, his hand was abruptly released, with such force that he nearly fell over again. Rory nearly cried with relief. "Doctor, it let me go!" he exclaimed.

"Good!" said the Doctor. "Now it's your turn."

Rory squared his shoulders, grabbed a leaf, and tugged. It came off reluctantly. Slowly, Rory brought it to his mouth. He chewed. It tasted awful, but he didn't dare spit it out. He swallowed. He stared at the fern with all the aggression he could muster.

And he would swear that it looked scared. Rory laughed aloud in triumph as it slowly began to return the way it had come. "Doctor," he cried into the mobile. "It worked!"

"Really?" asked the Doctor, then quickly corrected himself. "I mean, of course it did."

"I can't believe I just won a war against a carnivorous fern in another galaxy!" exclaimed Rory, wisely choosing to ignore the man.

"Won't Amy be so proud of you?" the Doctor agreed. "I'll be there soon. Remind me to check you out to make sure those leaves weren't toxic."

"What?"


End file.
